Friday, December 23, 2016

Waiting on the Last Train

A day may come when someone could say to me that TOMORROW, YOU ARE GOING TO DIE. Since no one can see the future clearly in this mysterious world of probabilities, I can't imagine myself dying tomorrow, but the possibility remains as very real, still. Nonetheless, a day will arrive when in fact I could say, TOMORROW, I AM GOING TO DIE. The truth is that we don't know if we are going to die tomorrow. How could we? When I acknowledge that, in fact, I could very well die tomorrow I open the gates to truly living today. For that is what I would do if told definitively that this was my last day on Earth. If a doctor told me I had a day or a week to live I could choose to be miserable and tell everyone "oh woe is me" and create a big drama around my misfortune, or I could choose to be happy in every moment and do the things I really enjoy doing with those I love. I certainly would not worry about what other people thought. I would do whatever I wanted and not be afraid of what others think or say. I would be the best me I could be to close my final chapter.

I drown one time many years ago. The ocean took my breath and the light gave back my life. I didn't see it coming and in an instant it was gone. You never quite look at the world the same after something like this. Everyone likes to hear the story of your Near Death Experience, but few query far enough to ask how it has changed you. For one thing, you no longer take life for granted. Nor do you look at the future as a given. You don't wait to tell the people you love that you love them. Every day could be your last opportunity to tell others exactly what it is you feel and believe. I want others to know how I feel before they pass on, and I don't want to leave anyone behind without telling them I love them.

More recently I took a real bad fall while cutting a tree, with huge concussive head trauma. Refusing to seek medical care, I sat in my favorite chair in what could have been my final hours and took that time to reconcile my life, accept the accident for what it was, and accept the real possibility that this was the end. I took the time to express gratitude for everything and to send out love to everyone. I made peace in the moment and was ready to board the last train if it stopped at my station. The train kept on riding down the rail this time, but I have not stopped showering the world with my gratitude and love, because I can't say exactly when it will be back again.

So, since tomorrow may very well be that day of final reckoning, I choose to live in peace, gratitude, and love, without regrets, each and every day, each and every moment. One day there will be no tomorrow, but today I am here, I am alive, I watched the sun come up this morning, I am grateful to everyone and everything. I give thanks for one more day to be me. This is the way I choose to live. And I aim to be ready for the return of that train that finally takes me home, and plan to be blowing its whistle loud and clear all the way around the bend.

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